PANEL 1

The Exploding Man's hand holding a stone.

Same, with stone exploding.

SFX:

ZAK

Herkimer carrying a huge block of concrete.

The Exploding Man with his hands on the same block.

Explosion from his hands splits the block in two.

SFX:

FOOM

EXPLODING MAN:

Wow!

The Exploding Man stands alone, the other two men small in the distance.

The Exploding Man at the center of an explosion.

SFX:

FARROMM

The Exploding Man at the bottom of crater made by explosion. The other two are looking down; Snipe lowers a rope.

Herkimer stands with arms outstretched as if ready to be crucified. Snipe, on one knee, is aiming his right arm at Herkimer's chest.

HERKIMER:

This won't hurt, will it?

SNIPE:

Let me know after. Heh heh.

A barrage of bullets from Snipe's arm ricochet off Herkimer's suit.

SFX:

FRAFAFAFAFA (for bullets) ZING (for ricochets - use many little zings.)

The firing stopped. Herkimer looks at his (unscarred) chest. Snipe's forearm is smoking.

HERKIMER:

Whew!

SNIPE:

Okay! Now it's my turn!

HERKIMER:

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?

A huge flying saucer fills the sky. A beam projects from its open underside toward the base.

SFX:

WA WAMOO HUMM

A soldier with a rifle stands guard at the gate. Behind him, the base is in the air, halfway between the saucer and the ground.

SFX:

HUMMM

Rekka's van is driving on the desert highway. At the moment, she is going down into a little valley between two small hills.

NARRATIVE:

Some miles away

The underside of the saucer is closing; the base is inside the saucer. Snipe points his left arm at the saucer, bracing the arm with his right hand.

SFX:

RONGG (the saucer makes this noise)

The saucer is disappearing out of the frame just as Snipe fires at center.

SFX:

POM

SNIPE:

Damn!

HERKIMER:

What was that?

Rekka's van, at the top of the hill, screechs to a halt.

SFX:

SCREECH

Closeup of Rekka's face: sunglasses raised, she squints in the distance for something she's not sure she sees. Her hair is blonde and short, but not too short - like one of the modern cuts that resemble the page-boy.

We see a little ball on the ground, about the size of a hand grenade. Musical notes and jagged lines pour out of it, indicating music at an intollerably high volume.

BALL:

I SAW YOUR GRANMA ROCK 'N ROLL

Our heroes, still in the desert. The sound of the ball arrives from the distance, where the base used to be. Snipe is covering his ears.

EXPLODING MAN:

What's the hell is that sound?

SNIPE:

"Your Funky Grandma"

BALL:

I SAW YOUR GRANMA LOSE CONTROL

EXPLODING MAN:

(shouting) WHAT?

BALL:

YO GRANMA SHOOK - SHE SHIMMY - SLIDE

All three cover their ears, grimacing.

BALL:

OOO YO FUNKY GRANMA SHE ALIVE

They trudge back toward the hole that was their base, hands over their ears. The music continues. It is a long way.

EXPLODING MAN:

(thinks) My mother told me there'd be days like this.

BALL:

FUNKY GRANMA SHAKE THAT THING

The outside of a factory building. We read the sign: DANBURY STEEL GALVANICS. Voices come from inside the building.

NARRATIVE:

Back in Seattle, a very different scene unfolds.

SECRETARY:

Whee! Tee hee hee!

DANBURY:

You won't get away!

An office. "Big Bob" Danbury, a fat man blessed with several chins and thinning hair, clad only in a towel, gives chase to his inevitably curvy young secretary, likewise clad only in a towel. She has her hand on the doorknob.

NARRATIVE:

An elusive quarry...

DANBURY:

Come here, you little minx!

SECRETARY:

Tee hee! Catch me if you can!

A huge galvanic bath. It looks like a swimming pool with two huge black electric cables suspended above it. DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE sign. A staircase leads to Danbury's office. The secretary is at the foot of the stairs; he is at the top. On one side of the bath there is an open area with maybe a few trucks or huge hunks of metal or weird machines. No other people are around.

NARRATIVE:

Love at the galvanic baths

DANBURY:

Don't go down there, it's dangerous!

SECRETARY:

Tee hee hee!

At the side of the galvanic bath. Danbury chasing her, losing his towel. The electric cables are nearby. They have grips like jumper cables. There is a puddle in front of Danbury's foot.

NARRATIVE:

A timely safety tip

DANBURY:

Watch out! It's slippery! Don't run!

SECRETARY:

Whee!

Danbury slips. He is in the air at an impossible angle over the galvanizing bath. We see he is going to land flat on his back in the pool. The cables are right next to him.

DANBURY:

Whoa, Nelson!

SFX:

(by his foot) SWIFF

He clutches the cables. DANGER HIGH VOLTAGE sign.

NARRATIVE:

Saved?

Danbury has his heels on the poolside. He is hanging on to the electric cables. His backside, from midthigh to lower back, is in the bath. A massive electric shock is firing through his butt.

NARRATIVE:

HOO WEE!

SFX:

WHUZZ SIZZLE POP

DANBURY:

YAHOOEEMAMAMA

Closeup of a ball the size of a hand-grenade. Loud music is pouring out of it. We see Snipe's feet at the edge of the frame.

BALL:

I SAID BABY BABY BABY PLEASE

Snipe, standing, fires (from his arm) at the object at his feet.

BALL:

WON'T YOU -

SNIPE:

Gotcha!

SFX:

FRRT (dying ball) WOM (Snipe's gun)

NARRATIVE:

Silence at last. There is a smoking hole at Snipe's feet. Herkimer and The Exploding Man are taking their hands off their ears.

EXPLODING MAN:

What the hell was that?

HERKIMER:

Yeesh.

SNIPE:

A rock & roll bomb. I meant to lob a mortar shell. But I woulda missed anyway.

EXPLODING MAN:

What are they good for?

SNIPE:

They drive you nuts. The music just keeps coming until the battery dies.

HERKIMER:

How long is that?

Rekka's van is approaching.

SNIPE:

Let me put it this way: When your brain is gone, the battery keeps right on going.

EXPLODING MAN:

We've got company.

The driver's window unrolls and Rekka's head is visible.

REKKA:

Hey, what happened to the base?

EXPLODING MAN:

(thinks) OO LA LA!

She steps from the van, leaving the door open. She is a typical northern European type: blonde, tall, thin, good figure.

HERKIMER:

A flying saucer came and took it all away!

REKKA:

Are you serious?

EXPLODING MAN:

It went thataway, m'am!

REKKA:

So THAT'S what I saw on the road!

She stands facing them, sunglasses off, and pulls a briefcase from the van.

REKKA:

I'm going after them!

EXPLODING MAN:

In your van?

REKKA:

No, flying. I'm a member of the team. I have a flying suit.

SNIPE:

(thinks) No way!

He shoots the handle of the briefcase in two points so that it falls, leaving the handle in Rekka's hand.

SNIPE:

I'm not working with a woman!

REKKA:

Huh?

The case has not yet hit the ground. Snipe blasts it to bits.

SFX:

FAHBOOM

Snipe has turned his back on the group and is flexing his arms in front of his body. The air is full of tiny bits of paper. Rekka is looking down at the remnants of the case.

SNIPE:

I guess that's all I got to say.

EXPLODING MAN:

(thinks) Paper?

SNIPE:

Now that we got that settled, what do we do?

REKKA:

(Angry, but controlled) Well, Jackie boy, your file said you were unstable. Now I see why.

SNIPE:

Don't call me Jackie boy!

REKKA:

You three ought to take your masks off.

Now that the inhibitor's gone, we don't want any more ACCIDENTS.

EXPLODING MAN:

If the mask is off, the suit is off?

REKKA:

Right.

SNIPE:

Hey -

SNIPE:

Are the one who was bringing the manuals?

REKKA:

I was -

The shreds of paper are still hanging in the air.

REKKA:

BUT YOU JUST BLEW THEM TO BITS!

SNIPE:

Oh.

REKKA:

That's what was in that briefcase!

SNIPE:

Oh.

SNIPE:

(Yelling) So how'm I gonna find out about my suit's new features?

REKKA:

(fiercely, showing her teeth) YOU GOTTA FIND OUT FROM ME!

They drive off the base in Rekka's van. The Exploding Man sits in the front with Rekka, Herkimer sits behind on the first bench seat, and Snipe lies in the back on the second bench seat. They are leaving the gate, one of the few pieces of the base that remain. One lone soldier stands guard (he has missed it all). The Exploding Man and Herkimer have their masks off. They and Rekka are smiling.

NARRATIVE:

After a long, hard talk, the four decide to return to Seattle so the men can pick up some clothes and money.

EXPLODING MAN:

Keep up the good work, soldier.

SNIPE:

(thinks) I don't take my mask off for NOBODY.

Closeup of Rekka and The Exploding Man.

EXPLODING MAN:

What's your name?

REKKA:

Rekka Djilsma.

It's a Dutch name.

EXPLODING MAN:

I'm Harry James.

REKKA:

The trumpet player?

EXPLODING MAN:

Ha ha

HERKIMER:

(in a small voice that is lost) And I'm Will Herkimer.

EXPLODING MAN:

Have you been working on this suit program?

REKKA:

Yup. I'm an electronics engineer.

But it turns out I also have good scr waves, so I get to wear a suit, too.

EXPLODING MAN:

And what's your suit do?

REKKA:

It flies and it has photo, recording, and infrared capabilities. It's a high-altitude spying suit.

HERKIMER:

Wow!

EXPLODING MAN:

(whispering) Tell me something, if you know: If he's unstable why do they use him?

REKKA:

Because people with scr waves are very rare, and without that, you can't work the suit.

The van pulls up outside a suburban house in Seattle. Lots of trees, bushes, flowers.

REKKA:

This your house?

EXPLODING MAN:

Yep.

HERKIMER:

Nice place.

Inside the house. Thief is looking out the window at the four getting out of the van.

NARRATIVE:

A thief!

THIEF:

Yikes! and no way out!

The Exploding Man's office. He is a programmer, so there is a PC on the desk. There is also a phone on the desk. The thief crawls under the desk. The Exploding Man's voice comes from off.

NARRATIVE:

Time to hide

EXPLODING MAN:

There should be beer in the fridge.

The living room. All are drinking beer and eating pretzels: the men from cans, Rekka from a glass. All are sitting except Snipe, who stands slightly away from the group, with his mask raised just enough to permit him to eat and drink: Rekka and Herkimer sit up straight, The Exploding Man slouches in a relaxed way, talking.

NARRATIVE:

The boys fill Rekka in on the day's events

She talks, they listen (even Snipe).

NARRATIVE:

Rekka tells them about the suit program

The astonished face of the thief under the desk.

NARRATIVE:

And an uninvited guest gets an earful.

EXPLODING MAN:

So the question is, what do we do?

HERKIMER:

I say we call the president. The President of the United States.

The thief picks up the phone.

NARRATIVE:

Pure curiosity

THIEF:

The President? This I gotta hear!

Herkimer dials, thief listens.

NARRATIVE:

A historic call

The thief, still under the desk.

PHONE:

Hello?

THIEF:

Hello?

(thinks) Idiot! why did you say "Hello"!?

PHONE:

Am I speaking to the president?

THIEF:

No, I'm sorry, the president's stepped out for a moment.

Herkimer standing, talking on the phone. The others are watching.

The thief is sitting in a chair, feet on the desk, relaxed, talking on the phone.

Thief, still on the phone, sits up and looks out the window.

NARRATIVE:

After a lovely chat

THIEF:

Yes, thanks for calling. Goodbye.

(thinks) I gotta chance it and slip out!

The thief climbing out the window. Herkimer's voice comes from off.

HERKIMER:

Wow! It was great.

VOICE:

You talked with the president?

HERKIMER:

No, he wasn't in. I talked with the vice-president. He's going to check with the Pentagon and the CIA and call me back.

Thief running in the street.

THIEF:

(thinks) Gotta tell Danbury!

Thief enters the building we have seen on page 8, DANBURY STEEL GALVANICS.

A crazy scene. Danbury, wearing a coverall cut to expose his buttocks (which are now steel-plated) is directing a young man who is kneeing by the pool with the electric cables in his hands. Four men stand in the background, talking: one has a steel-plated foot, another a steel-plated fist, the third has steel-plated fingertips, the fourth is still normal.

DANBURY:

Whatever part you stick in the bath will be steel-plated.

KNEELING MAN:

I want to plate the top of my head.

DANBURY:

Then maybe you better bend over backward. You don't want to plate your face by mistake.

THE FOUR MEN IN THE BACKGROUND:

I say we need a name for the group.
The Men of Steel
The Plated Ones
Metal Men
The Galvanics
Limbs of Steel
The Cannery Crew

THIEF:

What the hell is going on here?

Closeup of the face of the kneeling man, as he dips the back of his head into the bath. He is bending over backward as Danbury suggested. His hair is now standing on end, and the electric shock is running through his hair.

NARRATIVE:

Don't try this at home, kids!

SFX:

SIZZLE

MAN:

EEEYAAA

The man is now standing upright. His hair, still standing on end, is now steel-plated.

MAN:

You can call me Steelhead.

VOICE:

I think we'll just call you Porky.

2ND VOICE:

He looks like a porky-pine!

THIEF:

Boss, what's going on here?

DANBURY:

Barley, you're just in time. I've made a great discovery. We're changing! We're not going to be criminals anymore!

VOICE:

We're not?

DANBURY:

We're going to be SUPERCRIMINALS! Come on, Barley, step right up and steel-plate some part of your hide.

THIEF:

Well, I don't know.

VOICE:

You could do the soles of your feet!

2ND VOICE:

We can call you Sole Man!

We see Barley sitting on the poolside, cables in hand, the soles of his bare feet sticking in the water. The electric shock is running through his soles. His head is back; he howls with pain. The one unplated man is looking on, thoughtfully.

BOOTMAN:

Boss, you need some kind of name, too.

VARIOUS VOICES:

The Living End
The Can of Steel
Steel Can
Mighty Butt
Wonder Butt
Shanky

DANBURY:

I've already decided. The name of our band will be The Steelers -

VOICE:

Oh no, no!

DANBURY:

And I will be known as THUNDERBUTT!

The men walk along the poolside toward Danbury's office. Bootman is last; we see that his steel foot is very heavy. Fistman is holding up his steel fist with his other hand. The man who was not steel-plated is nowhere in sight.

NARRATIVE:

The Steel-Plated Malefactors Move to Celebrate

Danbury's office. They are all drinking champagne from those big flat glasses modelled after Marie Antoinette's breast. Fistman holds the glass in his steel fist, and holds up that fist with his other hand. Barley, the thief, is speaking. Everyone else listens.

NARRATIVE:

Barley tells them about the fantastic combat suits.

Closeup of Danbury's face and chins.

NARRATIVE:

And sparks Danbury's greed

DANBURY:

I'm gonna get those suits, OR MY NAME AIN'T THUNDERBUTT!

NEXT ISSUE: AFTER THE SAUCER

[ 1 January 1998 ]